Congregation Jokes / Recent Jokes

Towards the end of his sermon the minister told his congregation that the following Sunday he planned to preach about the sin of lying. He asked them all to read Mark 17 to better understand next Sunday's sermon.
The following Sunday the minister asked for a show of hands to see how many had read Mark 17. Every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the minister said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. Let us now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

An Ashkenazi orthodox rabbi was leading a service, and then the idea popped into his head that there might be Chinese Jews, with Chinese rabbis, with Chinese congregations.
So he goes all the way to China Town in San Francisco from New York to find out.
Sure enough, he comes across a small Chinese congregation with a Chinese rabbi.
He stares for a while. Finally, the rabbi walkes over to him and asks, "Are you Jewish?"
"Yes, why?" asks the Ashkenazi rabbi, somewhat puzzled.
"You don't look it."

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.
After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."
The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."
The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.
The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact more...

A parish got a new priest. During his first service, when a certain prayer was
said, half the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing
yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The new priest did not know what to do. His congregation suggested to consult a
98-year-old man, who was the oldest inhabitant of the village. The priest hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual tradition was, so he
went to the old people's home with a representative of each fraction of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during the prayer said to the old man, "Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said gladly, "Then the tradition is to sit during
this prayer!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not more...

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She more...

The minister was reoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
He gave the organist a copy of the service and asked her if she could come up with some kind of inspirational music to play, after he made the announcement about the finances, to help put the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry, I'll come up with something," she said.
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we find ourselves in great difficulty. The cost of the roof repairs is twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the organist began playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."