Congregation Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your more...

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1, 000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve, announced to his congregation that he would not renew his contract. He explained that he must move on to a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush; no one wanted him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owned several new car dealerships, stood up and proclaimde, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighed with appreciation and applauded.
Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stood and said, "If the Rabbi stays here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause follow.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 80, stood and announced with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asked her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, more...

Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home.
As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation.
"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."
Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree.
Not completely more...

One Sunday a minister announced that he had laryngitis and wouldn't be able to preach that day, but what he would do instead was say a few words and the congregation would then sing the first hymn that came to mind.
"Jesus," the minister whispered.
Within moments the congregation started singing, "Jesus Loves Me."
"God," whispered the minister.
The congregation started to sing, "How Great Thou Art."
"Roses," the minister whispered.
This prompted the congregation to start singing, "In The Garden."
This one-word, one-hymn game continued for a few more minutes until the minister whispered, "Sex."
The congregation fell deathly silent. Many of the parishioners began looking around to see the reaction of others to the minister's last word. Everyone remained silent, until one brave soul, an elderly woman sitting in the back, cleared her throat and began to sing as loud as she could... more...