Congregation Jokes / Recent Jokes

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom’s. Explain to the tux shop what you’re up to. Pick up the groom’s fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don’t reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of more...

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said.." Point of information - snow and rain are also' acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

The two Rabbis
A reform Rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, “Why don’t you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?”
The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous sense of humour) replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can’t have them sleeping together.”

One day padre lost his bicycle. He was very distraught and consulted a friend about what to do. "It must be a member of your congregation who took it," said his friend. "Next Sunday after your sermon, read out the ten commandments. When you come to' thou shalt not steal'; pause and take a good look at the congregation. The one who stole it will look guilty and you will be able to spot him."
The following Sunday the friend asked the padre if he had found his bicycle. "Yes, indeed," replied the padre, "its back with me."
"So you followed my advice and found the guilty man?"
"In a way," replied the padre. "When I came to' thou shalt not commit adultery', I suddenly recalled where I had left it."

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving
more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that
the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone
voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a
slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every
Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming more...

When Rabbi Levy retired, the congregation decided to plant a tree on the shul grounds in commemoration of his years of service.
At the Board meeting, someone suggested an oak tree, because the rabbi grew the congregation from a little "acorn". Someone else, a critic of the rabbi, suggested a locust, a reference to one of the plagues in Exodus. As the discussion became heated, the gabbai spoke up.
"None of you mentioned the rabbi's service as a mohel," he said, "so why not plant an appropriate tree?"
"So what do you have in mind?" the president asked.
Meyer pulled out a nursery catalog. "Right here, a tree. A you-clipped-us."