Congregation Jokes / Recent Jokes
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in thecollection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him thatperhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into givingmore." And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked." It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so thatthe auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotonevoice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in aslow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in thecollection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo andbehold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacherdid not want to take advantage of this technique each and everySunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then triedhis mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, thechain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loudthud and springs and parts flew more...
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, Church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing. .............. more...
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded a higher place than he. "I don't understand," he
complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my
congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained.
"Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep
from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they
not only stayed awake, but they even prayed."
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a more...
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone more...
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."
1. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
2. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
3. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
4. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
5. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
6. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
7. This being Easter Sabbath, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
8. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
9. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and more...