Contact Jokes / Recent Jokes
: Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat, Sir."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them
aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from
machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These more...
Does your partner ever question how you feel about her/him? If he/she does, that's a warning sign that you are not showing her/him how special he/she is to you. If you do not nurture a loving relationship, you could just let a "good thing" slip between
your fingers. Try these easy, yet inexpensive ways to show him/her that you really care, and see how much love will you receive in return.
1. CONTACT YOUR PARTNER DAILY. It does not matte how trivial a contact it is. If you are both on-line, e-mail her even if it is to say I'm thinking about you".
2. LOVE IS LIKE A GAME TENNIS. Anytime you receive an e-mail, letter, fax or phone call, be sure to reply. Otherwise, she could be left feeling empty and confused. Keep the ball bouncing back and forth.
3. A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS. Make sure she has your photo handy, or
better yet, take a fun picture together in one of those photo booths.
4. GREET HER WITH LOVE. Give her a nice warm more...
Q.- NAME:
A.- Iam Applyin
Q.- DESIRED POSITION:
A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Q.- DESIRED SALARY:
A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Q.- EDUCATION:
A.- Yes.
Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:
A.- Target for middle-management hostility.
Q.- SALARY:
A.- Less than I'm worth.
Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:
A.- It sucked.
Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
A.- Any.
Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:
A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
A.- If I had one, would I be more...
Q.- NAME:A.- Iam ApplyinQ.- DESIRED POSITION:A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.Q.- DESIRED SALARY:A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.Q.- EDUCATION:A.- Yes.Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:A.- Target for middle-management hostility.Q.- SALARY:A.- Less than I'm worth.Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:A.- It sucked.Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:A.- Any.Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:A.- If I had one, would I be here? Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:A.- Of what? Q.- DO YOU more...
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[Notice on an Internet newsgroup] I have met a person who is writing a book on UFOs, and wants to have a chapter on UFO encounters by pets. If your pets have had such experiences, please contact me by private email, and I can get you in contact with the author.
"I hit a cat with a Zippo one time because it was considering going after a bird. The cat didn't know what it was. Does that count?"
(Ed. groan)
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.. .
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in more...