Contacts Jokes / Recent Jokes

Submarines are safer than airplanes.
Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander
“Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth”
“Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how ’bout you..? ”
“Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn”

Qmow: “Navigator we’re on a course for sea mounts. ”
Nav: “Exec we’re heading for shallow water. ”
Exec: ” Captain, we’re running out of water. ”
Capt: “What, no water, …very well, secure the showers. ”

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me
A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me
Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me
Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me
Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)
On the fifth more...

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: A database with a broken b-tree
(what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Two transceiver failures
(CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?) And a database with a broken b-tree
(Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Three French users
(who, of course, think they know everything) Two transceiver failures
(which are now spewing packets all over the net) And a database with a broken b-tree
(Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Four calls for support
(playing the same Christmas song over and over) Three French users
(Why do they like to argue so much over trival things?) Two transceiver failures
(How the hell do I know which ones they are?) And a database with a broken b-tree
(Pointer error? What a pointer error?)
On the more...

Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position. Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." more...

A detective is mentoring a blonde rookie officer and decides to give her a challenge. So he gives her a mugshot of a suspect turned to one side and tells her to see if she can give details about the suspect just by looking at the picture. The blonde looks at the picture and immediately says, "
He wears contacts."
Confused, the detective looks at the mugshot and since he can't tell that the suspect wears contacts, he tells the blonde, "
Look, don't give me dumb guesses, this is serious."
The blonde says,"
I'm not guessing. I know this guy wears contacts."
Losing his patience, the detective says, "
Look, quit playing around or I'll have to report you."
But the blonde firmly insists, "
I'm telling you, he wears contacts."
Frustrated, the detective decides to prove her wrong by asking the officers for details about the suspect. A few minutes later he comes back looking both shocked and amazed. He more...

If you can sell yourself, you can sell anything" said the celebrated Shah Rukh Khan, in one of his countless interviews. "So true!" said I, "and that’s what I can’t do!" thank God I’ll never be in a marketing job.
But the opportunity presented itself, and I, decided to take the challenge. In February 2007, I took up my new job as a one person department of Corporate Relations (my papers said Asst Mgr Corp Rel), and took my first posting in a developing (with a bolding), prosperous but disorganized, second tire town in north Karnataka.
And this is what I discovered.
Sure, some people have the gift of the gab. And sure, it helps in striking first contacts. Also, a social person with extrovert attitude will enjoy marketing, as his job is to do what he loves most.
However, marketing is not the job of the smart or the charming; it is the job of the purposeful.
Introverted attitude is that in which the energy flow is inward, and the more...