Container Jokes / Recent Jokes

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr. - old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar. COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where more...

> Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered
> to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree,
> there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady
> bang... bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the
> sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh
> raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of
> Christopher Robin. "Why... won't... he... fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as
> the axe came down once more. There was a small pile of earth, and a hole
> next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher
> Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had
> dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher
> Robin's legs off. "A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a
> little song to himself as he more...

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active more...

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation,"What can you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"