Contest Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs. And the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"

At a church, a new priest was being trained. He was so nervous at his first mass
that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you
put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to
talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he
found a note from the Monsignor:
Next time, sip rather than gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples not 10.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and
the Boys."
Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big more...

Two rednecks pull in at a gas station to fill up their truck and notice a sign that reads, "Enter here for a chance at free sex." They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant tells them that they have to guess a number between one and ten.
The first redneck guesses three. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is seven."
The second redneck guesses six and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is four."
As the two of them are driving away, one turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."
"Naw, it's on the up and up," the other one replies. "My wife won three times last week."

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do more...

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said more...

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"

It is about problems that can arise if you give dog a bad name. This is how it goes:
"Everybody who has a dog calls him' Rover' or' Boy'. I call mine' Sex'. He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
"When I went to city hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex. He said' I'd like one, too!' Then I said:' But this is a dog.' He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,' You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old.' He winked and said,' You must have been quite a kid.'
"When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
"He said:' You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do.' I said:' Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said:' Funny, I have the same more...