Contest Jokes / Recent Jokes

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win AirbagsDetroit - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11% since 1997, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 2004 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2004 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2004, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could more...

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd more...

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door. 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the boys. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off more...

Jesus and Satan had an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he came up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well then, "says God "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters command and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He shouts, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do more...

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT-- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company`s 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year`s worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, `Oh, boy, more...

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax.

The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"

6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J. C. and more...