Contractor Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor more...

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.
When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.
The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, "Greenside up!"
The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark".
The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!"
The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here".
The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window more...

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally more...

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor more...

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University
of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.
Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician
is in a different union.
Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt
under perfect control.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
red tape, split hairs and baloney-usually applied at
random with a shotgun.
Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages more...

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from USA, another from India, and the third from Sri Lanka. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the amarican contractor. He took out his tape, measured and pulled out the palm top, did some calculations and said, "Well I figure the job will run about 900 dollars. 400 for materials, 400 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Next was the Indian contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for 700. 300 for materials, 300 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Without doing any measuring and calulations, the Sri Lankan contractor more...