Cooking Jokes / Recent Jokes

Call.
Don't lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules No Petting.
The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
"Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
Dishsoap is your friend.
Hat does more...

Martha Stewart vs Me...Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and more...

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:


1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".


Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that more...

... a Food cooking show with a one female cannodate ready to taste the goods...
The first guy takes 20 minutes to prepare and 30 minutes to cook
The second guy takes 15 minutes to prepare and 35 minutes to cook...
The third guy takes 1 minute to prepare and doesnt bother cooking...
Now for the taste test
the first guy comes out and opens the dish, there are many potatoes filled with cheese... "Yummy"
the second guy comes out with a chicken brest and soup "Delicious!!!"
the third guy comes out with a piece of brocolli "Thats it?"... the guy replies... "Yeah but it tingles on the way down"

One day, there was this small boy who was uneducated. His parents were fighting and this is what they said.
"
You're a bitch!"
said the father to his wife.
"
You're a bustard!"
sard the mother to her husband.
"
Mom Dad, what's bicth and bustard?"
asked the small boy.
"
Bitch is female and bustard is male"
answered the father.
He then went down the stairs to the ground hall. His sister fell from the chair and said "
fucker!"
. Again the small boy asked his sister "
Sis, what's fucker?"
. "
The chair"
answered his sister.
He then went to the kitchen and saw his aunty cooking chicken soup. As she was cooking, she accidentally drop the chicken. She said "
Shit!"
. Again the small boy asked his aunty "
Aunt, what's Shit?"
. "
The chicken!"
answered his aunty.
The next day, two more...