Cool Jokes / Recent Jokes
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant`s life, she will choose to save the infant`s life without even considering if there is a man on base."
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A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the washin`, ironin`, cookin`, and scrubbin`. No wife of mine is gonna work."
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the `seniors` special` was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1. 99.
`Sounds good,` my wife said. `But I don`t want the eggs.`
`Then I`ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you`re ordering a la carte,` the waitress warned her.
`You mean I`d have to pay for not taking the eggs?` my wife asked incredulously.
`YES!!` stated the waitress.
`I`ll take the special then.` my wife said.
`How do you want your eggs?` the waitress asked.
`Raw and in the shell,` my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON`T MESS WITH more...
Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different
directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars
slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able
to get out of their cars without any serious injury,
but the cars were totaled.
Before Frank could say anything, Mike said,
"Instead of fighting over whose fault it was,
why don`t we just celebrate that we were able to,
come out alive?"
Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"
"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don`t I
pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around,
and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident.
He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"
Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down.
Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over
to Mike. "Here, you have some!"
Mike passed it back and said,
"Nah, I think I`ll wait until the police get here."
If the police arrest a mime...... do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
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In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and more...
"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don`t you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don`t pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."
The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The incessant squealing of the CB irritated the wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.
"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I`m married."
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I`ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we`re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that`s completely natural. I don`t see what the problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Bill Gates dies and is face to face with God. God says "Bill, I just don't
know what to do with you. You've done a lot of good but have also caused many millions of my subjects a great deal of anguish. I'll let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell". Bill says "Can I have a look at each before I choose?". God says "Sure". So God takes him to Hell and there are beautiful girls in small bikinis playing around a sun drenched pool. Cool drinks and sandwiches. Happiness and gaiety. God shows him heaven with angels singing to organ music.
Bill says " Hey, this is a no brainer. I'll take Hell anyday." A
year passes and God decides to visit Hell and check up on how Bill is doing. Bill is chained to a large burning brimstone and is in constant agony. God says "Hey Bill, how's it going?". Bill says, "God, you showed me beautiful girls in bikinies with sun drenched pool and cool drinks. Happiness and gaity for more...
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning Ma`am. What are you doing?"
" Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, `Is this guy blind, or what?`
"You`re in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I`m not fishing. Can`t you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma`am. I`ll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn`t even touch you," grouses the more...
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked;
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam`s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him laying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I`m going to have a wife."
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan more...