Cop Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer more...

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."

Linda Stein, a former manager of the Ramones who later became known as "the Realtor for the stars," was found beaten to death in her posh Fifth Avenue apartment, police said Thursday.

Apparently, the weapon was an "ugly stick".

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a' 70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that? ”
The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready. ”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here. ”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for? ”
The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true. ”
The passenger says, “Huh? ”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that jerk would’ve tried that shit more...

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the more...