Corporation Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given
enough time and money.
Corollary:
You are never given enough time or money. Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary:
It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. Kaufman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens. First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references. Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Apple Corporation Sues Itself.[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous. An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend. Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. more...

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10, 000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have more...

This past Election Day, as usual, I didn’t vote. Voting isn’t a system that works. The majority of people are idiots, and in voting, the majority of people are right. Politicians learn early on that they have to lie, make false promises, and hide their real agendas to get the majority of voters, who don’t know what they are talking about, to vote them into office. I don’t really blame them, as that is the position they are put in to succeed. It just makes it impossible to tell who’s corrupt, and who’s trying to help. They all have to lie to some extent. If the good one’s don’t lie, they’ll lose to the bad one’s who do because people are voting based on campaign promises that sound good. If a politician stood there and was realistic with everyone about what they think could be done, he wouldn’t sound very exciting. When have we had a candidate that came anywhere close to delivering what they promised in their campaign? Has that ever happened? Take Obama for more...

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo more...

A corporation advertised all kinds of positions to fill for their new office in a big city. The candidates were tobe selected based on their resume and tested for their aptitude for the positions.
The corporation put around one hundred baseballs in some particular order in a closed room with the room windows open Then they send a group of two to three candidates of particular discipline into the room and locked it from outside They left them alone and came back after six hours, to analyzed the situation:
[1] If they were counting and recounting the number of balls - They were hired for the ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT
[2] If they had messed up the whole place with the balls - They were hired for the ENGINEERING
[3] If they were arranging the balls in some other order - They were hired for the PLANNING
[4] If they were throwing the balls at each other - They were hired for the OPERATIONS
[5] If they were sleeping - They were hired for the SECURITY
[6] If they more...

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates` vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they`re stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random more...