Correct Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"But why? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the manager. "Your fellow applicant put down for question #5,' I don't know the answer.' And you put down,' Neither do I.'"

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
When called upon the first student says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy."
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."
Teacher again replies, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion."
The student replies, "Then I definitely pooped in my pants."

The kindergarten teacher was explaining the definition of the word 'definitely' to her class. At the end of the lesson, she asked them to use the word in a sentence.
The first student called upon stood up and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
"At times, yes," said the teacher, "but that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's grey and cloudy."
Another student stood up and said, "The grass is definitely green."
"It should be," replied the teacher, "but if it doesn't get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn't really correct."
Little Johnny, at the back of the class, stood up and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
Annoyed at the question, the teacher replied, "No, they do not, and that is not a suitable question for our discussion."
"Then, I definitely shit my pants!" said Johnny.

The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
1. 'What are you thinking?'
2. 'Do you love me?'
3. 'Do I look fat?'
4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. 'What would you do if I died?'
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. 'What are you thinking?'
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if more...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE more...

>A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the
>definition of the word "definitely" to them. To
>make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks
>them to use it in a sentence. The first
>student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The
>teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct,
>because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
>
>Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again
>replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it
>turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
>
>Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have
>lumps?" The teacher looked at him and
>said "No... But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class
>discussion." So the student replies, "Then I
>definitely shit my pants."

CHEMICAL ANALYSIS


> > Element: Woman
> > Symbol: Wo
> > Discoverer: Adam
> >
> > Quantitative analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging
from

> > 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
> >
> > Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
> > energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
> >
> > Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
> > absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
> > unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well
used.
> > Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
> > Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural
state > > the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed
artificially so > > well that the change is indiscernable except to the
experienced eye.
> >
> > more...