Counselor Jokes / Recent Jokes

During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true-I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed?
GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
COUNSELOR: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
GUY: Sure, I love to drink.
COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest more...

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

1> Group: Anorexics Anonymous. You: Big chubby guy with an affinity for cheesecake.

2> Only half an hour into the meeting, and the keg's already dry.

3> Counselor greets you with, "Well, if it isn't Princess Pathetic!"

4> Their idea of 12 Steps involves two six-packs.

5> Instead of Mars & Venus, leader suggests you get in touch with Uranus.

6> You're host of the upcoming pool party for your Incontinent Beer-Drinkers Support Group.

7> They've voted to change their name to "Cathie Haters Anonymous."

8> Your Heart Attack Recovery Group counselor hasn't moved in three weeks and is starting to smell a little gamey.

9> Four months and the Nymphomania Group still hasn't recruited a female member.

10> Their 12-step program: "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out, put your right foot in, then you shake it all about..."

11> "Parents Without more...

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem. The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?" "Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied." That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her... fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband." "That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening." So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just more...

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15, 000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Diane began her job as an elementary school counselor and was very eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a boy standing all alone on one side of a playing field, while the rest of the kids were enjoying a game of soccer at the other. She approached the boy and asked if he was alright. He told her that he was.
A short time later, Diane noticed that the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
She approached him again and asked, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated for a moment, then said, "Sure," while looking at her suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Diane asked, "Why are you standing here all by yourself?"
"Because," the boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."