Count Jokes / Recent Jokes

After their eleventh child was born, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, so the husband went to his doctor and told him they didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor explained that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could solve the problem. He instructed the husband to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, doc, but I sure don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help."
Thinking it might be a good idea for them to get a second opinion, the couple drove to Georgia. The doctor there was just about to explain the procedure for a vasectomy when he realized they were from Alabama. Instead, he told the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man more...

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I'll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.
I'll count, recount, and count some more.
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here.
I've glued more...

Can we count them with our nose? Can we count them with our toes? Should we count them with a band? Should we count them all by hand? If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out.I will not let this vote count stand.I do not like them, AL GORE I am! Can we change these numbers here? Can we change them, calm my fears? What do you mean, Dubya has won? This is not fair, this is not fun.Let's count them upside down this time.Let's count until the state is mine.I will not let this vote count stand.I do not like it, AL GORE I am! I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.You have not heard the last of it.I'll count the ballots one by one.And hold each one up to the sun.I'll count, recount, and count some more.You'll grow to hate this little chore.But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.I do not like it, Al Gore I am! I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here.I've glued my desk chair to my rear.Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too, all telling me that I should sue.We find the Electoral more...

The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and more...

The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager to count to five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his fingers. Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?" The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five again.

When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency? When the chips are down!