Counter Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

A man walked into a sex shop and asked" I would like the best viabrator you have got.
The man behind the counter replys" i have just what your looking for" and dashes behind the counter. He hops back up with a dusty old box and says"This is the Voododick. all you have to do is say is Voododick, then what you want it to fuck and it will go. Heres a demo".
And he pulls in out of the box, turns it on and says"VOODODICK DOOR" and the voododick races across the room and fucks the door off of its hingers.
So the man takes it home and decides to try it. he pulls it out turns it on and when his wife came in he said" Voododick PUSSY" and the voododick went and fucked his wife.
On the way to work the next day the wife gets pulled over by the cops and is made to do a drinking test. She passes with full marks.
The officer says"why were you driving all over the road. She says" its the Voododick"
"The more...

Phone Call to God -
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The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The
Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's
private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists
that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the
Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to
pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally,
the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says:
"All right! The charges were 100, 000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few more...

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, more...

A 25-year-old man walks up to a pharmacy counter and asks for condoms.
The clerk at the counter asks, "What size are you?"
25 man: I didn't know you had sizes. I'm not sure.
She puts her hand down his pants, feels it, and gets on the intercom: I NEED LARGE CONDOMS TO THE PHARMACY COUNTER, LARGE CONDOMS TO THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU.
10 minutes later a 50-year-old man walks up to the counter and asks for condoms.
Clerk: What size are you?
50 yr old: I didn't know you had sizes. I'm not sure.
Clerk: Well, I'll feel it and get the right size for you. She puts her hand down his pants, feels it, and gets on the intercom: I NEED EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU.
Next a 16-year-old boy walks up to the counter and asks for condoms. Clerk: What size do you want? 16 yr boy: Gosh lady, I didn't know you had sizes. I don't know what size I am. Clerk: Well, I'll feel it and get more...

There was once a blonde who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of her. She decided to do something about it. She sat back and thought about it.
Suddenly she thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of brunettes. So, if I start talking and behaving like them and dye my hair brown, no one will be able to make out that I am a blonde and make fun of me."
She went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, she walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."
Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a blonde?" The blonde was taken aback and she repeated her request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a blonde or not?"
This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so she admitted to the fact after which she asked, "But how did you know?"
The shopkeeper replied, more...

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."