Counter Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies. The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays. A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matt ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the more...

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She more...

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.
"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks. "Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."
He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."
She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.
He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"
The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister."
After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."

A woman goes to Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. Not knowing which one to get, she just grabs one and takes it over to the cash register where she finds an 'associate' standing there with dark shades on.
"Excuse me, sir," she says, "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
"Ma'am, I'm blind," he replies, "but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She really doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a great all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter," she replies in surprise. "I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
Just as he's about to ring it up on the register, the woman farts. At first she's embarrassed, but more...

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter." The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there. The clerk asks the old woman, "is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?". The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says "no, thank you, son. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them".

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman."May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks. "Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister."After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen more...