Counts Jokes / Recent Jokes

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a frontal lobotomy.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two cases of Prozac.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three stays at the
"hospital".
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four group sessions.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five self help books.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six restraining orders.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven counts of
harassment.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight cries for help.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine attempts to escape.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten ripped off
fingernails.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven body pieces.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love more...

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.FLORIDA: We count more than you do.FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311? FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount! FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in Florida.FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us! FLORIDA: Once is never enough! FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes! FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.FLORIDA: We're retired -no wait- we're retarded! more...

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

"Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

"What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House?. .. Pardon me." --Jay Leno

"Outside the courthouse, Libby's lawyer said all he wants to do is clear his client's good name. I don't know, Scooter? Is that a good name?" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former assistant, Scooter Libby, pleaded not guilty to the Yeah, the weird thing is since his name is Scooter, he's being tried in juvenile court." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By more...