Performance Jokes

1 "Employees are our most valuable asset."
2. "I have an open door policy."
3. "You could earn more money under the new plan."
4. "We're reorganizing to better serve our customers."
5. "The future is bright."
6. "We reward risk takers."
7. "Performance will be rewarded."
8. "We don't shoot the messenger."
9. "Training is a high priority."
10. "I haven't heard any rumours."
11. "We'll review your performance in six months."
12. "Our people are the best."
13. "Your input is important to us."
14 “You will receive two weeks training every year.”

OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?
Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.
The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The "Continuous Improvement Team" was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded more...

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Date ____________________
Name _____________________
Department ________________________
Title _____________________________
Supervisor _________________________
KNOWLEDGE
1. This s.o.b. really knows his shit!
2. Knows most phases of job.
3. Knows just enough to be dangerous.
4. Stupid bastard couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
5. Fucker is brain damaged, a cup of coffee has a higher I.Q.
ACCURACY
1. Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with sex.
2. Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
3. Does shitty work and constantly fucks up.
4. Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
RATE OF WORK
1. Fastest mo-fo I ever saw.
2. Fast s.o.b., if he thinks he'll get a raise.
3. Does a lot of work, at salary review time.
4. Works only if kicked in the ass every five minutes.
5. Couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.
DEPENDABILITY
1. more...

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many more...

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...