County Jokes / Recent Jokes
Arizona
• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West).
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."
• Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.
• In Arizona it is illegal to take naked photographs before noon more...
New telephone answering system at County Mental Health: (possibly off to mental health professionals and clients)
ring, ring...
"Hello, you have reached the automated operator for County Mental Health.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3,4,5,& 6.
If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are suffering from depression, hang up - it wouldn't have done any good anyway.
Thank you for calling, please make your selection now.
One hot summer I worked for the "L'il Stinker" company, a guy down the
street from us that pumped septic tanks. It actually wasn't a bad
job. Most of my day was spent driving all over backwoods San Diego
County in a big white pickup truck (San Diego County still had
backwoods then). My job was to get to the customer in advance of the
tank truck, find the septic tank, and dig down to the lid so everything
would be ready when "Sweeney" got there with the tank truck. The tank
truck was great-huge black monster with two white stripes running
down the back, a picture of a skunk, and his phone number. If you saw
it once, you remembered it instantly whenever your toilets backed up.
Over the course of the summer "Sweeney" told me a number of interesting
and possibly true stories. This has always been one of my favorites.
Sweeney got called out to this house in Rancho Santa Fe, a very ritzy
suburb. Typical more...
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. "Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." more...
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, Vote Democratic." His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesnt cost me a nickel. I dont give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, Vote Democratic."
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2, 025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly." Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2, 025 pigs?" she asked." Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.From the Echoes-Sentines [? ], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987:GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTERPASSAIC TWP. - A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel more...