Court Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is in court for murder and the judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!"
Then the judge continues, "you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court. Now, what is the problem?"
The man at the back of the court replies, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!"

This is a true story.
This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time.
Lawyer - "You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?"
Policeman - "That is correct."
L - "And where were you at this time?" P - "At the junction of X and Z."
L - "So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occured?" P - "Yes, I was."
L, in incredulous accent - "So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?" P - "Yes."
L - "Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?" P - "Because the light that I could see was green."
L, triumphantly - "Ah, but how did you know that it had been in an accident?" P - "Because it went past on its roof."

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find Three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol.

The NJ Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have the same rights as heterosexuals in a 4-3 ruling yesterday.
The court ruled as follows: "The issue is not about the transformation of the the traditional definition of marriage, but about the unequal dispensation of benefits and privileges to one of two similarly situated classes of people."
Translated: "Think of it as our way of saying to the gay community,'sorry the governor was such a skank.'''

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former more...

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldnt put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."