Crack Jokes / Recent Jokes
A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in thevicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.
“Sure, ” said the Pro, “What’s your Handicap? ”
“Well, it’s 16, ” said the Businessman, “But I don’t see the relevance since I shall be playing alone. ”
“No, it’s very important for us to know, ” said the Pro. The Pro then called a Caddy.
“Go out with this Gentleman, ” said the Pro, “his handicap is 16. ”
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman’s bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no more...
Confucius say:
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. Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
. Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
. Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
. Man who farts in church sits alone in pew.
. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
. Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
. Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
. Modern house without toilet uncanny.
. Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring.
. Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
. Man who have hand in pocket more...
O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in more...
The other day I ran into a friend of mine. He had a black eye. So I asked him, "How did you get that shiner?""You won't believe it," he answered, "but I got it in church!""Your kidding!", I replied. "How did you manage that?"He said, "Well, here's what happened. When the preacher finished his sermon he told us all to get out our hymn books, turn to page 41 and stand up to sing.""Yes, yes" I responded. "Then what?""Well" he continued with a pained look on his face, "when the lady that was sitting in front of me stood up, I noticed that her dress got stuck in the crack of her ass. And, well, I knew she didn't want it that way so I reached over and pulled it out.""And she hit you?!!" I asked."Knocked me out cold." he finished, shaking his head.Well we chuckled about it, talked for a few more minutes and went our seperate ways. The following week I ran into my friend more...
There's a big trade in skunk fur at the moment so two ladies are on holiday with the intention of smuggling a couple of skunks back home. They're discussing how they're going to conceal them to get through customs.
"I can put it down my knickers as surely no one will search there." says one of them.
"Yes but what about the smell?" asks her friend.
"Hey, if it dies it dies."
Apparently all British Airways planes have been grounded today after it was found that all the air hostesses had at least a four inch crack in them.
Martina Navratolova was held at Heathrow today after customs men found a pound of crack in her knickers.
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over. After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..." The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.
She called it Harrybutt.
She had a child and named in Crack.
She lost Crack and couldn't find him.
So she called the police and said, " I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!"