Crash Jokes / Recent Jokes

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately".
The three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we're about to crash?". Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces".
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?" Cindy responds: "I have it on more...

My brother's psychology professor, a Yankee's Yankee and a
feminist's feminist, tells the following story on herself to illustrate
that doctorates don't necessarily make you smart.
She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and she'd been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.
A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her driver's window, bent down, and drawled, "Lookie here,
darlin',"-uh oh, everybody duck-"Lookie here, darlin', nobody blows
through Georgia that fast."
Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: "Sherman did."
She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station more...

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.Stolen Painting more...

Hilarious Newspaper Headlines
(the best of 1999)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect more...

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
China blames U. S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States, ” Fully responsible” for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8: 46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed “Panda Rash”, told China’s news agency that he saw the American blimp dive more...

Their was three people on a plain which was crash landing and only 2 Para shoots so the mum said to the dad what shell we do about the baby? so the dad says well we can have an other so they jump out and half way down the dad starts to feel a tug so he looks down and the baby says:
ME NOT DUMB ME NOT SILLY ME HOLD ONTO DADDYS WILLY!

The night before Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Buggy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! more...