Credit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here's a joke I "appropriated" from an old TV show:
Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a thief carrying several
credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them.
Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.
Police: But don't you want your credit cards back?
Mr. Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as
Mrs. Johnson.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little over 600
employees and has the following statistics?
3 have done time for assault
7 have been arrested for fraud
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
Which organisation is this you might ask?
(scroll down)
It's the 635 members of the British House of Commons, the same group
that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest
of us in line.

Gentlemen: I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit. In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88. 32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one). In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and more...

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn't figure why the computer would not turn on.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded more...

When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

Let's give credit where credit is due. I think Carlin would agree. If it wasn't for Bozo I do not know where I would be today.