Credit Jokes / Recent Jokes
Forest Gump Goes to Heaven... The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter' T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in more...
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don`t Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The more...
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You receive care packages from Europe. Your bologna has no first name. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No." The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets
Editor's Note: I'm still waiting on verification on this, but hey, it's the Internet, so I decided to post it anyway!
--------------------------------------------------
Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
- 7 have been arrested for fraud
- 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
- 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
- 3 have been arrested for assault
- 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
- 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
- 8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
- 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
- In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up?
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress.
Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.
10 ways to stop those credit card sales
1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak. louder.. . louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days more...