Crime Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to more...

Alabama
*It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
*Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
*It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
~~~
California
*Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
*Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
*Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.]
*It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
*Women may not drive in a house coat.
~~~
Florida
*Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
*A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
*If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
*It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a more...

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Florida:[Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the more...

A Barber commited a crime, and had to go before a judge. Since it was his first time the Judge only gave him a community service in his own field.
He must give free hair cuts for one month, and every time a customer asks how much for the hair cut, he has to explain his crime, and that this is his community service.
Anyway, he was happy, because anything beats the jail.
first day he gave a hair cut to a Florist, the florist asked, how much at the end, he replied, oh nothing... explained the Judge's order.
Next day when he came to open the shop, there was a bouquet of flowers and a thankyou card.
That day a person came who owned a chocolate shop, after the hair cut he too asked, how much? the barber said oh no charge because... Judge's order.
Next day when he came to open his shop, he saw a box of chocolate and a thankyou card, That day he gave a hair cut to an East Indian, The East Indian asked how mucH? The barber said nothing because... Judge's Order.
next more...

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay more...

Q: Why don't Mexicans and Blacks have children together?
A: They're afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.