Researchers Jokes

A severely brain-damaged woman in an unresponsive, vegetative state showed clear signs on brain imaging tests that she was aware of herself and her surroundings, researchers reported today.
When they are done studying Jessica Simpson, the researchers plan to study Anna Nicole Smith, Keith Richards and the mysterious consciousness of Paris Hilton.

Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them.

One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Response:

C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats:

1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)

2. They are easier to train.

3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)

4. There are some things a rat won’t do.

Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat"

Great Thinkers of Our Time?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering more...

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but they can't remember what they are.