Researchers Jokes / Recent Jokes

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like
Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
''Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,'' said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. ''Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook,'' said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister.
''By more...

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible." "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

AMES, IA-The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...

More than half of people between the ages of 75 and 85 have sex at least two to three times a month, according to researchers who interviewed senior citizens about their sex lives.

The greatest slowdown in sexual activity was seen in the researchers after the study.

New Walking Shark and Other Species Highlight Gaps in Ocean Knowledge
Sept. 17, 2006 - Two recent expeditions off the coast of Indonesia have revealed a remarkable "lost world" of marine species that researchers believe are new to science, including a shark that "walks" on its fins. Scientist are also reporting that a pig has flown and a cow jumped over the moon.

Researchers have called on the federal government to impose new restrictions on Viagra because studies suggest it makes gay men more likely to use illegal drugs, have unprotected sex and become infected with sexually transmitted diseases.
-For similar reasons researchers are also calling for a ban on "looking fabulous."