Crime Jokes / Recent Jokes

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC
DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive.
Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Sorry,
The FBI

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKINGWhenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - - Mariah CareyQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contestResearchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Smoking kills. If you're more...

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank`s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn`t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he`d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block more...

Crime has already been organised. Now it's up to the police.

Crime doesn`t pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Here I have two burglar stories:
The first one was about 4 years ago, in the bank, a guy stealed a check for about $50,000,000.00 mexican pesos (about USD $25,000.00 in that time) from another guy who was in the line.
Two police officers started to chase him, and when the guy realized that he will never get to collect the check, he ate it. The police had to release him as they didn't had any evidence of the crime. (The guy was in front of me in the line so, i guess it is true)
The second story is about another bank robbery, a man with no weapons robbed 3 banks in 30 minutes, How? The 3 banks are very close enough to make th is stunt. He entered the bank, tell the manager this is a robbery, i have no gun, but if you see, top of that building, there is a friend of mine with a shotgun and he's aiming at you, now gimme the money. He grabbed the money and proceed to the next bank. He repeated the same procedure in each bank and went away.
3 hous later, when they realized more...