Crossing Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following message appeared on the Railroad list. It was written by Scott Porinsky, and I thought it was funny so I am passing it on:
Unfortunately there are all too many people who don't know much about the railroad but think they do.
Shortly before I went train dispatching on the BN in the early '70s, a freight train hit a house that was being moved across a grade crossing east of Savanna, IL.
This occurred in the middle of the night and the housemoving contractor said he was purposely doing it at night because of lack of highway traffic and 'there wouldn't be any trains running.' Talk about lack of understanding the railroad.
I recall the engineer being asked on the radio where exactly he hit the house (meaning the road crossing), and his reply was 'somewhere between the bathroom and kitchen.'

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" more...

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Richard M. Nixon: I just want to make one thing perfectly clear. The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, more...

OBSERVATION:
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing. If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an' experienced man'. If you don't you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another,' oh it's natural, we are more...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road! ” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: We categorically deny the chicken did cross the road and any allegations to the contrary by the right-wing extremeists should be postponed until I am out of office.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? ”
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed = the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new more...

MOSES: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road!
JERRY SIENFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't any ever think to ask what was this chicken doing out of his pen walking around all over the place anyway?'
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken did cross the road reveals your underlying insecurity
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicke Office 780. Which will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and file your important documents.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road" but, it is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, and whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great more...

>Here's a collection of answers given when different people were asked
>this simple question:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Political figures:

>Chandrika Kumaranatunga:
>*. It was a result of the 17 year rule of the UNP. I will appoint a
> commission to look into that matter.
>Ranil Wickramasinghe:
>*. The UNP as a national party will oppose any such move by any
> chicken to cross roads. We will hold a Satyagraha, and file a
> violation of fundamental rights case in the supreme court!!
>G. L. Peris:
>*. The chicken didn't actually cross the road. I can prove this to
> you by using the statistics released by the Central Bank. There have
> been such instances in other developing countries as well.... This
> shows very good economic growth.
>C. V. Goonaratne:
>*. The chicken crossed the road to end the 17 year old curse of
> bribery, corruption, and terror... Upon reaching more...