Cruise Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.

The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!" "Fuck the kids!" said the minister, heading out. "Do you think we have time?" said the priest.

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.
She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night.
But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.
One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.
A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.
Normally, they would have done a burial at more...

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50, 000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic more...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audiencewould bedifferent each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the sametricks over and overagain. There was only one problem: The captains parrot saw the showseach week andbegan to understand how the magician did every trick. Once heunderstood he startedshouting in the middle of the show: "Look, its not the same hat""Look, he is hiding theflowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magicianwas furious but couldnt do anything; it was, after all, the captainsparrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himselfon a piece of woodin the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared ateach other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another andanother. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Wheres the boat?"

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot to things...Condoms and Dramamine for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walks to the counter with a plenty pack of condoms and asks for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.
The pharmacist looks at him for a second and then asks him, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, more...