Cruise Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais “Ocean Cruise Only 5$”.
She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.
The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.
The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.
When the blonde wakes up, she’s tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.
The blonde she looks at her freind and says “So do you think they’re going to serve us some more...

The Oscars are here! The Oscars are here!

The single greatest night of year is coming, and that means it's time for me to tell you who will win! I'm good, you know it. Last year, I told you James Coburn would win, and you all laughed, and he won. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?

Many of you cling to the belief that the Oscar goes to the most deserving nominee. Get over yourself. Oscars have nothing to do with talent and everything to do with marketing. With that in mind, here is the list of who will win.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR OK, everyone loved the little kid in Sixth Sense. But the last time the Academy gave an award to a damn kid (Anna Paquin from The Piano) she vanished off the face of the Earth to concentrate on a spelling bee. Face it, they ain't gonna give an award to anyone who still worships the Power Rangers. How about Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile? Too tall. Jude Law? Forget it, his name's Jude.

There are really only two possible more...

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor thathes worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"The doctor says, "No, but itll look real pretty in the water."

There was a lawyner, a priest, and a class of children. They were all on a cruise. A couple of days later the ship hits a iceberg and it begins to sink. So the kids get on a line to get off the ship, and then the lawyner runs pass the kids and get on the lifeboat that was for the kids and says, lets go." Then the priest says,"what about the children." The lawyner says,"fuck the children." Then the priest says,"do
have time for that."

One day, Bubba was bragging to his boss, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call his bluff. "Ok, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Oh sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it," Bubba says. So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood, knock on Tom Cruise's door and, sure enough, Tom shouts, "Bubba, it's great to see you! You and your friend come on in and join me for lunch."
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Tom's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, you're wrong," Bubba says. "just name anyone else.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, President Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions more...

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she announces, "Today is my 80th birthday and I'm on the cruise to celebrate."
"Well, since it's your birthday," the bartender says, "the drink's on the house."
As the women finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "Since it's your birthday, I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
"Thank you," says the old woman. "Bartender, I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."
She no sooner finishes that drink, when the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
"Why, thank you sir," the old woman says. "Bartender, I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Excuse me, but more...

Owners of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up again.
Instead of saying "We are under attack, please take shelter," citizens are now told, "Here we go again, you know the drill."
Everyone wears sunglasses all the time.
Sarcastic giggling heard just behind live CNN reporters.
Yesterday's lead headline in most Iraqi newspapers was "NBA Lockout Continues."
Every time a bomb explodes, Iraqi class clown yells out, "Oh my Allah, you've killed Achmet! You INFIDELS!"
Instead of running for cover at the sound of the air raid sirens, the Iraqis do the "Tomahawk Chop."
Hussein's latest address to the nation included the line, "We must resist the Great Satan, yadda yadda yadda...."
Christiane Amanpour is being invited to rooftop bomb watching parties all over Baghdad.
Baghdad High's senior class has playfully painted a bull's-eye on the roof of the school.
Iraqi Television Network more...