Cruise Jokes / Recent Jokes

In recent speeches, McCain points out that Obama is too "out of touch" to be President of the United States. He goes on to say that America needs to stay on the same track. The old red, white and blue needs someone who is as attuned to the hearts and minds of its citizens as George W. Bush.
Inside sources report that McCain hired Tom Cruise last week as his new speechwriter, to help him in this close race, because America knows how "in touch" Tom Cruise is. Good choice McCain!

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, more...

Blonde on a Cruise! A Blonde walks into a Restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that says "Ocean Cruise Only 5$". She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. The blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some more...

For each Google search, choose the correct number of returned search results.*
1. "Suri Cruise" & "Looks Asian"
a). 14,700
b). 79
c). 470
2. "Suri Cruise" & "Slanty Eyes"
a). 0
b). 3
c). 15
3. "Mel Gibson was right"
a). 32
b). 1,220
c). 511
4. "John Mark Karr" & "Boyishly Sexy"
a). 0
b). 14
c). 19,000
5. "Jessica Simpson" & "John Mayer"
a). 4,470,000
b). 1,410,000
c). 9,650,000
6. "Jessica Simpson" & "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad"
a). 19,100
b). 292,000
c). 909
7. "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" & "Repressed Homosexual"
a). 43
b). 504
c). 838
*search results as of September 14, 2006, 2:35 PM EDT
Answers: 1)c 2)c 3)b 4)a 5)b 6)a 7)a

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"

My uncle Jack served in the late 60s on the aircraft carrier USS Ranger, CVA-61, in the Tonkin Gulf off the east coast of Vietnam. Having spent his youth with Ham radio, he became an electronics technician. He came aboard fresh from high school, Basic Training, and the US Navy’s radio repairman’s school.
In the radio shop, as probably elsewhere on the ship, in the Navy, and in military life in general, life is regulated by a strict hierarchy. In small organizational units, where the hierarchy is rather flat, the
pecking order must be decided by some means other than stripe count. In the Ranger’s radio repair shop, the man with the least seniority was assigned to arrive earlier in the morning to make the coffee, so it would be ready by the time the rest of the crew arrived.
The first morning out of port, the chief petty officer was giving him the shop tour, focusing closely on coffee-making procedures.
“Ya see kid, first ya put eight scoops of coffee in da more...