Crusher Jokes

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation... By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, more...

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Picard:
Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data:
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard:
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge:
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard:
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker:
But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard:
But surely we must not be late!
Troi:
I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer:
Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard:
The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker:
Not me.
Worf:
Not me.
Picard:
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer:
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data:
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, more...

What the 24th century would be like under today's management
techniques.
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's
record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.
Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star
Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Picard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her more...