Customs Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?" He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,' Father, may I ask a favour?'' Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,' Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,' And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which more...

There's a big trade in skunk fur at the moment so two ladies are on holiday with the intention of smuggling a couple of skunks back home. They're discussing how they're going to conceal them to get through customs.
"I can put it down my knickers as surely no one will search there." says one of them.
"Yes but what about the smell?" asks her friend.
"Hey, if it dies it dies."
Apparently all British Airways planes have been grounded today after it was found that all the air hostesses had at least a four inch crack in them.
Martina Navratolova was held at Heathrow today after customs men found a pound of crack in her knickers.

A lady arrived at the Madras airport after spending 36 hours in transit. She was fully exhausted after such a long trip with her 6 young kids. Collecting many suitcases, the family entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the lady said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asks the driver.
"Quattro means four," replied the blonde.
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the Irishman retorted in disbelief, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law".
The driver replies angrily, "Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," she said sweetly, "he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."