Dad Jokes / Recent Jokes
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I more...
POTENTIAL VS REALITY
___________
Johnny comes home from school with a writing
assignment to define and subsequently explain the
difference between potential and reality. After
getting nowhere on it for 2 hours, he finally asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?" His father looks up,
thoughtfully, and then says, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then go ask your sister, Suzie, if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come
back and tell me what they said."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to follow his
father's guidance. He goes downstairs to the kitchen
and asks his mother, "Mom, if Robert Redford gave you
a million dollars to sleep with him would you?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little
smile on her face says, "Yes, I more...
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies,: "O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see." Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?" Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair." Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair." Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
You might be a redneck if...
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it." The dad replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl refuses but says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies." The dad says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too."
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how
his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes
home!!!", says the mom.
while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up
to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
All right That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just
don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now,
about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so
proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny
bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest,
shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"
asks more...