Dad Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young boy had justgotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
"Dad, can i ask you something?" "Sure! What about?" "You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that i should own one." "And what is this' one' you're referring to?" "Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?" "No." "My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention." "Nope." "It will be just proper at my age..." "I said no way...!" "But all of my friends wears.......!" "David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?"
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that? … I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring - now quit your belly-aching, and more...
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video more...
"Dad, can you write in the dark?""I think so. What is it you want me to write?""Your name on this report card."
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The next day Billy tells his story.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....
Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking.