Dad Jokes / Recent Jokes

Top 10 Ways to Tell that You're a New Dad
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is handholding.
4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny said, "No!!"

Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer."

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny said, "No!!"

His dad said, "Well, there's your answer."

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said, "Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?"

Johnny asked, " Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Johnny's dad said, more...

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver. The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid, "What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiled and said, "I would be a bus driver!"

1. You have two choices in life. You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish your were dead.
2. At a cocktail. party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
3. A lady inserted an ad. in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.".
4. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
5. A woman is incomplete until she is amrried. Then she is finished.
6. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get Married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
7. A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every more...

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam more...

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

"Dad, do you believe in Buddha?" "Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good."