Data Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of2.5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN10. -{-- The information went data way --[11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding14. The name is Baud..., James Baud.15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! 16. Access denied-nah nah na nah nah! 17. C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"20. As a computer, I find more...

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Microsoft announces beta relase of Windows TP
REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.
Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows more...

Picard: "Data... I understand that you have installed the latest version of Windows 95 into your positronic brain. Was this wise to do?"Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters."Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission."Data: "Yes, sir."(5 minutes later)Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage."Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir."Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade."Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?"Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir."Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!"Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?"Picard: "Well, of course more...

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.Suddenly,
Here's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

My Christmas Emails
I have a list of folks I know
all written my computer data base.
And every year at Christmas time,
I go and take a look at my data base.
And that is when I realize
that these names are a part....
Not in the data base they are written in
but of my very heart.

For I am but a total
of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be one of those
I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you
for many years or a few hours
In some way you have had a part
of shaping things I do.

So never think my Christmas Emails
are just a mere routine
of names put on a computer list
and forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas Email
that is addressed to you...
It is because you're on that list of folks
that I'm indebted to.

Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.
The ball in Parisis' Squares.
Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.
Scare blind students in Braille class.
Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
Footstool for Captain's chair.
Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
Scare Alexander into doing chores.
Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.
Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can "get a head" in research.
Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
Two words: tether ball!
Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.
Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
Donate to Starfleet Academy to be "Head of the Class."
Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.
And the number one use for Data's detatchable head...
Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on more...