Data Jokes / Recent Jokes
Idiocy in the Computer World When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.The operator believed it.I had a similar experience while more...
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The "One more...
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The "One more...
The year 2000 dilemma has been solved.
This is a memo to announce the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data centre that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
At 9:00am next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed once MYASS expands.
Several people who are using the program already have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less more...
> A great new software announcement!!!!
>
> This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We
> are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data
> that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the
> "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
>
> Next Monday at 9: 00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
> to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
> month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
> look
> at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I
> have
> not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a
> time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
> expands.
>
> Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
> on
> it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office more...
Y2K Ballad
(sing to the tune of ''Gilligan's Island'')
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
''Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two.''
''This works through 1999,''
The programmers did say.
''Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.''
But management had not a clue;
''It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet.''
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But more...