Dave Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line. Mary: Wow! What kind is it? Dave: Twelve-thirty.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."
He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.
The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the more...

Dave and Lois, both elderly residents at a retirement home, found that the more time they spent together, the friendlier they got with each other. As time went on, they were really beginning to enjoy each other's company. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, Dave said, "I realize we're both old and can't do much sexually any longer, but if I pulled my penis out, would you hold it?"
Not seeing anything wrong with his request, Lois agreed.
Each day for the next month they would sit on a park bench by the lake and Lois would hold Dave's penis. One day, Dave didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Concerned that something may have happened to him, Lois set out to search for him.
Further down the lake she spotted Dave sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench and was shocked to see Dave's penis in the other woman's hand.
Upset, Lois yelled at Dave, "We've been together for a few months now. I more...

(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)
Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didn't catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.
She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:
"Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors d'oeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.
"Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would
you do?"
Dave replied, "Make sure he had adequate ventilation."

Dave had obtained a new hunting dog and was raving about it to his colleagues at work endlessly. The dog could do this, the dog could do that, the dog was amazing, etc. Finally, after three weeks of listening to this, Dave's coworkers demanded to go on a hunt with Dave and his dog so they could see the dog in action for themselves.
The following weekend, they all went duck hunting in the fields and after the sun rose, Dave turned the dog loose to hunt. The damn dog was gone for three hours and everyone, including Dave, was getting anxious about what had happened to the dog. Finally, the dog comes romping into camp with a stick in its mouth and immediately jumps on Dave's leg and started humping his leg and furiously shaking the stick in its mouth. The other members of the group were busting out laughing at this ridiculous display and berating Dave over how stupid his dog was. Finally, Dave quieted the group and explained the dog's actions thus:
He's telling me "There are more...

dave looks at his buddy rick at work and sais....YA NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST SIGNED UP FOR? rick sais....WHATS THAT? dave sais....PARACHUTE JUMPING.rick sais... YA FOOL...YUR ALMOST 65 YEARS OF AGE AND YA TELL ME YA SIGNED UP FOR THAT... WHY? dave sais....THE WIFE WANTS US TO TRAVEL WHEN WE RETIRE NEXT YEARrick shout out....BUT YUR SCARED OF HEIGHTS dave sais...I KNOW AND ILL BE BACK IN 3 WEEKS HAVING FINALLY CURED THIS PHOBIA SO WE CAN ENJOY RETIREMENT rick wishes him luck and the 2 workers partways 2 weeks pass and rick looks up and sees dave at work and says....HEY....THOUGHT YA SAID YOU WOULD BE GONE FOR 3 WEEKS? dave sais....WELL....IT DIDNT GO AS PLANNED rick sais..SO....WHAT HAPPENED? dave sais... WELL...AFTER THE 1ST WEEK OF INCLASS WORK...I THOUGHT I WAS READY BUT WHEN WE WENT UP IN THE PLANE....AND IT WAS MY TURN TO JUMP... I GOT TOO SICK TO MY STOMACH....I JUST COULDNT rick sais....SO WHAT THEN? dave adds...MORE CLASSWORK TIME... AND WHEN I WENT BACK UP TO JUMP AGAIN... I more...

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counterwith a great big smile on his face Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure more...