Day Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three missionaries are captured by a tribe of cannibals. When
they are brought before the chief, he points to the first
missionary and says
"Do you want Death or do you want Bunda?"
"I don't know what Bunda is but it sounds better than death, I'll
take bunda."
A cheer goes up from the tribe and they proceed to take turns
bending him over a stump and having their way with him, and then
let him go. The next day the chief points to the second
missionary and says,
"Do you want Death or do you want Bunda?"
Not wanting bunda, but wanting death even less, the second
missionary also chooses bunda. With a cheer they take him to the
same stump, and after a few hours, they let him go. The third
day, the chief points to the last missionary, and gives him the
same choice. The third missionary, being more devout than the
others, says
"I'll take Death!"
The loudest cheer more...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

11. It's on nearly every calendar.
10. Helps relieve cabin fever.
9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St Urho's Day.
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows".
3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney".
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

A successful, wealthy, bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault...
"YOU STUPID HICK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contemt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2, 000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1, 000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves.... IT'S HOMEMADE..."
The lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, "You still more...

You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class"What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant topick on him she chose little Mary." I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotionsof love are." "Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else hadtheir hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him." I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw mydad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"

George CarlinAds in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." --------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. - ----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of' Gosh?' of the church of' Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of more...