Dealer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Solitaire' 99Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire' 98README file, v4. 3Welcome! Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire' 98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire' 98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2. 1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 more...

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker? A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
I am here, but my opposite is you.
Huh?
Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
My opposite is not here.
Is your opposite "Lies"?
My opposite is "Void." He couldn't make it.
>snicker< Figures!
Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
I have the cards.
I've got the chips.
I have the beer.
I have the cards!
Shut up.
...
Whose deal is it?
Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
It is Good's deal.
OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
How can anyone win if everything is wild?
No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
I like this game.
This is pointless.
It is time to deal.
Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Five.
Five and raise you five.
Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
I like ten more...

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says 'Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has - "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Saul says. more...

Two Guys are getting charged with drug dealing. In court the Judge tells both of em, "I will give you two the weekend to go out there and convince as much people as you can to quit drugs forever. The Two Men go "Ok" They come back on Monday and the first drug dealer goes "This weekend I got 10 people to quit drugs forever. The Judge Replies "How did you do that?" He Goes "I drew a small circle and a big circle, and i pointed to the small circle and said this is your brain on drugs"....Then the second drug dealer goes "Oh yeah, This weekend I got 100 people to quit drugs forever". The Judge says surprised. "Holy shit how did you do that?"..The second drug dealer goes..."I did the same thing, I drew a big circle and a small circle but I pointed to the small circle and said this is your asshole before prison.

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about
various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad more...