Dear Jokes / Recent Jokes

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her
beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh,
aaaahhh," he exclaims, "my word, you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to
shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a
picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

Dear Friend..... I have been watching you very closely to see if
you have been very good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your
tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all
come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the
11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9
pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up
to my sled runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas
for the 5th of more...

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet".
Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols.
Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and said "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all..." but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's...".
Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's more...

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!
Q: Dear Abby,
What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
A: Have you tried a flyswatter?
Q: Dear Abby,
My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
A: Shut up and get back to work!
Q: Dear Abby,
My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
A: Get a new dad.
Q: Dear Abby,
Why are you so lazy?
A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.
Q: Dear Abby,
Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
A: Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

Joe and Mabel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Mabel, I've been wondering," Joe says, "have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Joe, why would you ask such a question now?" Mabel replies. "You really don't want to ask that question... "
"Yes, Mabel, I really want to know. Please," insists Joe.
"Well, all right, dear. Yes, three times," Mabel confesses.
"Three times? When were they?" asks Joe.
"Well, dear, remember when you were 30 and wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan?" Mabel says. "Remember how the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Mabel, you did that for me! I respect you more than ever, to do such a thing for me," Joe says. "So, when was number 2?"
"Well, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were seriously in need more...

Snappy answers to sappy questions:All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less! Q: Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest! A: Have you tried a flyswatter? Q: Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do? A: Shut up and get back to work! Q: Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this? A: Get a new dad.Q: Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy? A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.Q: Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love? A: Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

Muriel was in a serious mood and asked her mother for advice. She was about to be married and the groom had come to stay with the family for the weekend during which time she had blundered into the bathroom and saw him naked.

"Mother," she said, "what was that thing hanging down between his legs?"

"They call it a penis my dear, nothing to worry about."

"And the knob on the end, like a firemans helmet."

"Just the glans," said Mother.

"And there are two round things about 13 inches back from his glans. What are they?"

"For your sake, my dear," said Mom, "I hope they are the cheeks of his arse!"