Decent Jokes

Dear Sirs,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 in the Accident Report Form I put "Lost Presence-of-Mind" as the cause of my
accident. You asked in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient....
I am a bricklayer, by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work, I discovered I had about 500
pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them down in a barrel, using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the building at the 6th floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went to the ground floor, untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 3 of the Accident Reporting Form, more...

The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188. 00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49. 23 per night. That leaves $138. 77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While more...

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00,there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, more...

HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR DAUGHTER NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM:
Wait until the young man has gone home, go into your daughter's room and say to her as follows:
"Miriam."
"Oh, hi, Ma."
"Miriam, I saw. I saw what you were doing in there."
"Oh."
"Miriam, who taught you this?"
"Oh, for God's sake, Ma. I'm a big girl now."
"Miriam, we are decent people. We have always tried to teach you the right thing. How could you do this to us?"
"Ma, for God's sake, I was only kissing..."
"Do you know what your father will do when I tell him? Do you?"
"No, but..."
"He will have a heart attack, that's what he will do. I promise you."
"Look, Ma, you don't have to tell..."
"Not only that, just think what the neighbors would say if they knew."
"Look..."
"For this I had to save your teeth more...