Decision Jokes / Recent Jokes

When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I''ll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan''s loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he''d ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you''ll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.

"Yes, I more...

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don`t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it`s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it`s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it`s male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don`t, you are an insensitive jerk.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she`s liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn`t enjoy, that`s more...

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too. .. but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and more...

Wifespeak/Translation You want: You wantWe need: I wantIt's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want: You'll pay for this laterWe need to talk: I need to complainSure... go ahead: I don't want you to. I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron. You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house. I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper.... I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your more...

Dear Mr. Architect,

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don`t have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. more...

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, more...