Deep Jokes / Recent Jokes

Before Columbus' discovery why did mankind think the Earth was flat?

Doesn't the Bible in Isaiah 40-22 state that the Earth is a sphere?

Do brainstorms come with thunder and lightning?

Does anyone ever stop to think that maybe just maybe this question is totally pointless?

Does thought depend on language?

Don't you think that a hunch is just creativity trying to tell you something?

Don't you think that if everybody thinks nobody rules yet if somebody rules the rest are not permitted to think?

Have you ever stopped to think and forget to start again?

How can you think out loud?

How deep does a thought have to be to be a deep thought?

How do we know if it's later than we think?

How do we know if we're thinking straight?

How does one' pay attention'? Any do they accept Visa?

If great minds really think alike then what makes them so more...

-- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the more...

Just who is Jack Schitt? Finally, the lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you will be better able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, senior partner of Kneedeep N Schitt Inc.
Subsequently, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married a high school dropout named Dumb Schitt.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Later, Noe Schitt married Bradley Sherlock. Out of consideration for her children, who were living with them at the time, Noe decided to hyphenate her last name, thus becoming Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the couple more...

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!! How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a more...

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a womanjust passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition tome?"The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware thatevery pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,"I just asked the time, miss."In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if yousay another word!"Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastenedto the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath andwondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In aquiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesison the reaction of human beings to sudden more...

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases more...

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin'... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"