Deep Thoughts Jokes

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say' It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,' That hurt, you stupid idiot?'Why is it more...

1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her.. . believe them.7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,' Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?'8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.11. Work is good, but more...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 more...

Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HISWealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.Is your holier side your altar ego?I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?